A day after the Delhi High Court was reported as inviting courtroom humour for publication on its website, Amrit Kaal Mishra applies for the job of a judge. His cover letter covers all bases but soars high in humorous skies for a vocation weighed down by gravitas.
—
Respected Your Honour,
I have always wanted to be a judge. Ever since I was a child, people have told me I have everything it takes to make a great judge.
Initially, I was not inclined to believe them. But there were signs, right from the beginning. My very date of birth, for instance, saw multiple adjournments. When I was finally born, it was 27 days after my due date, and everyone said waiting for me to get out of my Mommy's tummy was like waiting for a case to be heard.
The next sign, which manifested itself when I was a toddler, was my favourite toy— a wooden hammer. While my own memories do not extend so far back into my early childhood, people tell me I liked nothing more than to keep banging on every surface with the hammer, screaming, "Order, order!" or "Aayega toh!"
When I was 10, we moved to a farm. The farm had a stable. The stable had a horse. One day the horse escaped. I was just a kid but I had the presence of mind to lock the stable door after the horse had bolted. Everyone praised me for doing the right thing, especially when it was too late to make a difference. Following this success, I made it into a habit.
“My very date of birth, for instance, saw multiple adjournments.
Last week, for instance, I was umpiring a tennis match between two teenagers in a local tournament. A wrong call from me on a crucial point caused one of the teenagers to lose the set and subsequently the match and the tournament.
I could have corrected my mistake immediately when everyone, including the spectators, the player concerned, and even his opponent pointed out that the ball was out. But I stuck to my guns.
Also read: Legitimate expectations
However, once the match was over, I informed the losing player that I could grant him five match points in some other tournament. "No thanks," he said, then added, "You should become a judge."
Even he could see that my talent was getting wasted in judging line calls when they could be put to better use denying bail.
You may have noted from my CV that in school, right from Class 1 all the way to Class 12, I have sat on benches of varying sizes— two-student, five-student and nine-student benches; and sometimes I even managed to squeeze in with 14 students on one bench.
I believe this diversity of bench experience would make me an automatic choice when Your Honour constitutes Constitution Benches of whatever size.
You would be pleased to note that I love my summer vacations, and no matter how much holiday homework was given by the class teacher, I did not violate the sanctity of my vacation by doing studies at a vacation desk.
I am also hyper-allergic to the slightest note of contempt in anyone's voice. Once my Class 11 maths teacher told me I would not understand trigonometry in a thousand years.
Although her observation was objectively valid, the note of contempt in her subjective voice made me complain to the headmaster who issued her a show cause notice— my earliest brush with a contempt notice, and yet another sign I was destined for judicial glory.
To get rid of anti-national topics like calculus, I switched from science to arts in Class 12 and became very good at making things with paper, scissors and cello tape. As you would expect, I became a whiz at making sealed covers— a hallowed tool of justice delivery developed indigenously in India.
“Once the match was over, I informed the losing player that I could grant him five match points in some other tournament. "No thanks," he said, then added, "You should become a judge."
After school, while my classmates chose to go to college, I did not— I went to a collegium instead. And there I learned the important lesson that satisfying the collective conscience of the nation is more important than upholding the Constitution.
Also read: Notary-ious
I became a keen observer and an excellent speaker. These two capabilities would enable me to deliver sharp oral observations on constitutional morality in the courtroom and insightful lectures on judicial principles at the Oxford debating room, thereby liberating me from the burden of having to uphold those principles when I pass Orders.
“In conclusion, let me say that as a born generalist, I am constantly in agreement with any General, be it a Solicitor or Attorney.
I am also good at computers and carpentry. So I can help the judiciary with stuff like digitisation, and if anyone finds a bench uncomfortable, I can fix it pronto.
In conclusion, let me say that as a born generalist, I am constantly in agreement with any General, be it a Solicitor or Attorney, and appreciate the eternal truth that power trumps justice, and executive power executes justice.
Thank you for your kind consideration and look forward to sharing a bench with you soon.