Intimations of the world’s last cricket match

FOLLOWING is a leaked copy— whose source, naturally, cannot be revealed— of a document recently circulated within a country’s Domestic Defence Council. It is believed that the memorandum is widely known, in official circles, as the Sharkovich Doctrine, after its author..Guidance on Strategic Planning for Cricket.CLASSIFIED.BackdropThe need for strategic planningThis is a time of major geopolitical victory on a number of fronts for this country, arising principally, but by no means exclusively, from two major events.The first is the comprehensive defeat of Russia by Ukraine, achieved through the virtual erasure of Ukraine, with our and our allies’ support. The second is the defeat of Palestinian terrorists (overwhelmingly children and women), achieved through plausibly genocidal methods, again with our and our allies’ support.These accomplishments have earned us the warm approbation of the bulk of the civilised world (which naturally excludes certain global institutional outlaws such as the United Nations Organisation, the International Court of Justice and the International Criminal Court, whenever they have chosen to speak up)..My submissions to be designated as a senior advocate in my first year.This approbation is a reflection of the widespread acknowledgment, by a majority of the world’s population, of those values, precepts and goals for which we have always stood, not the least of which is our abiding respect for, and insistence upon, democracy, freedom and human rights.Despite the predicted arrival of the end of history, there cannot be any cause for complacency, for resting on our laurels however well-earned, for relaxing our guard, for sacrificing that vigilance which has ever stood us in good stead and is the eternal price that must be paid for the preservation of liberty. And freedom and democracy, one might add. (And human rights.)The immediate future is one thing, the distant future another, and it is for the latter that one must plan strategically. An overriding emphasis on planning for the near horizon would be an act of myopia, one which takes insufficient stock of the threats to national security, which for all our undeniable power and supremacy in the comity of nations, nevertheless continue to abound in our environment.Russia, China, North Korea, Iran, BRICS— these are only a few of the dangers that seek to menace our safety and insidiously account for our crumbling infrastructure, for inflation, for unemployment, for our domestic and external debt, and for the prospect of civil war over economic inequality, racial discrimination and woke pronouns.And, lest we forget, there is one more major threat to our security and freedom and democracy which we may ignore only at our peril: cricket..The first is the comprehensive defeat of Russia by Ukraine, achieved through the virtual erasure of Ukraine, with our and our allies’ support..Shaping the future of cricketFocus on cricketIt is instructive to consider the geographic prevalence and cultural appeal of the game of cricket. The sport, as some may know, is a perverse English corruption of the entertainment known across the globe as baseball.As of the present time, the world consists of twelve cricket Test-playing countries: Australia, England, South Africa, the West Indies, New Zealand, India, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Zimbabwe, Bangladesh, Ireland and Afghanistan. There are three civilised countries in the list, as one can see, and the rest comprise nine formerly colonised nations, including at least one with a prior history of apartheid settler-colonial governance..Cover letter for job application for the post of judge.A preponderance of these ex-colonial nations describes a geo-strategic spread across Asia, Africa and Europe, and is bereft of any familiarity with the modern institutions of freedom and democracy or the virtues of the free market and property rights: the consequences of this for relatively poor records of economic development have been spelt out in the work of a group of economists who were recently rewarded with the Nobel Prize for pointing out how and why some kinds of colonialism are nicer than other kinds. It cannot escape attention that two of the Five Eyes are not even represented in the set of Test-playing countries! If it is possible to conceive of something even worse, it is that one or other of the Three Eyes is frequently trounced by one or other of the remaining nine teams.It is not for us to police the rest of the world, but with such profound anti-hegemonic and aggressive multi-polarity to contend with, the prospects of our ability to enforce human rights and proper deference to the values that shape our own culture and interests are bleak.Not to mention proper deference to us. There was a time when you could abuse these fellows on the field of play, but these days they sledge back when they are sledged. They say bad words in Punjabi or Bengali or Sinhala or Pashto, and when challenged to do so, they are happy to offer an English translation. The threat from cricket to national security cannot be exaggerated..FEC players may bear arms, and if there is a danger of an ROW batsman scoring a century, it should be fine for cover-point to shoot him (or for silly mid-off, to achieve better point-blank range)..Agenda for leadershipThe only way forward, in the medium and long terms, is for us to take charge. It is time to replace the Laws of Cricket, an absurdly archaic written constitution, with a properly rule-based international order that will be determined, led, interpreted and implemented by us (on a case-by-case basis, of course).The first order of business would be to have the right people on the International Cricket Council. This is called Regime Change and is achieved by suborning those members who are pliable and assassinating those who are not.To keep things under proper control, there should be only two Test-playing entities, constituted by the Five Eyes Countries (FECs) and the Rest of the World (ROW). Umpires will be fair and neutral, and, therefore, only English, with names like Poodle and Creecher, to ensure that whenever an FEC wicket falls it is denied by calling ‘No Ball!’, and that LBW appeals against ROW batsmen are always upheld irrespective of whether and where the ball might have hit the pad..The lord, the law and I.FEC players may bear arms, and if there is a danger of an ROW batsman getting off the mark, it should be fine for cover-point to shoot him (or for silly mid-off, to achieve better point-blank range).Crowds, even when matches are hosted in an FEC country, are always packed with ROW supporters who think nothing of egging on their players or booing the opposition, and it is best to establish a firm tradition of discouraging any such behaviour: bombing relevant sections of the crowd should be an effective way of handling the problem. If it should persist, we can always nuke the offenders’ countries of origin.Finally, the guaranteed protection of our national security is through dialogue, diplomacy and conversation. The persuasiveness of our Commander-in-Chief’s speech is ensured by the culture of the education she or he has received: after all, our Chiefs buy their degrees from Halfward College..In the end, the strategic measures advocated in this memo are a vital requirement for ensuring our continued entitlement to uphold the values of freedom, democracy, human rights and genocide..So, there is always a case, before resorting to force, to meet any protest that may be registered by an ROW country’s representative with some such polished Presidential response as: “Whatddaya think this is? Cricket or sump’n?” Some Presidents may also add: “Ya thug!” or “Ya crazy sumb**ch!” Dementia and early upbringing constitute a sufficient, but not necessary, reason for such language.In the end, the strategic measures advocated in this memo are a vital requirement for ensuring our continued entitlement to uphold the values of freedom, democracy, human rights and genocide. This is a work of satirical fiction.

Intimations of the world’s last cricket match

Guidance on Strategic Planning for Cricket

Related Stories

'Supreme Solution'

'Delhi Diwali Green'

'Pulling Milord Down'

'School Principal Bench'