The ‘non-veg lawyer’

AT the Bombay High Court in Mumbai, the appellate-side Bar association is known as the 'Advocates Association of Western India' (AAWI).

Members occupy two huge halls on the ground and first floors of the heritage building. These are commonly known as 'athra number' (18) and 'chhaatis number' (36) respectively.

As one discovers in most Bar rooms, here too chairs and tables are unofficially earmarked for a set of seniors and regulars. These are like reserved seats in railway compartments. When the occupants go to court, someone from the 'chamber' grabs the seat like a gratuitous licencee till the tenant returns.

On the periphery of these reserved spaces are the areas which sundry visitors may occupy when available. They are like passengers boarding unreserved compartments.

Before the air-conditioning of these halls compelled all doors and windows to be shut, it was a much less forbidding place. There was unrestricted ingress and egress to all. The rooms had the feel of large railway platforms, always crowded and full of the hustle and bustle of all kinds of lawyers and their clients. The 'chaiwallas' too did their rounds frequently.

Limited access and restricted entry have now made these Bar rooms seem somewhat like those first-class waiting rooms where second-class visitors, even if they manage to sneak in, feel out of place.

The story I narrate today belongs to those bygone old unrestricted times when the lunch break was the 'happening time' for all activity. Most seniors had their specially prepared dabbas (tiffin boxes) lovingly sent from their homes.

When they assembled and sat for lunch, there was a well-observed division of the 'non-vegetarian' and 'pure vegetarian' tables.

At the table of the seniors, their respective chamber colleagues too would sit. They all opened and shared lunch from their dabbas.

A similar scenario was observed on the non-vegetarian side of the Bar room. The pure vegetarian guys could not bear the sight of some lawyer from the other side enjoying lamb chops or chicken lollipops. They avoided even facing the non-vegetarian side during lunchtime.

The only ones who moved quite freely everywhere between both sides were the many cats who used to materialise in the Bar room at lunchtime. These cats were very friendly with the vegetarian girls who petted them profusely but they switched their loyalties during lunchtime to the non-vegetarian men whose plates looked far more tempting.

The leader of the cat gang was a fat tomcat lovingly called Boka. He was particularly friendly with a fair cat-eyed lady lawyer who we can call Ms Ghare. She used to get cat food for Boka, groom him, pet him and even give him medicines when he was feeling under the weather.

The female cats who visited AAWI were all related to Boka in some way or the other. Sometimes, after feasting on fish bones on the non-vegetarian side, Boka would go to meet Ms Ghare with some of his girlfriends in tow. Gradually, they won many admirers on the vegetarian side too.

While the cats' presence was never resented, one incident occurred that almost led to a catfight between the two sides.

It is still remembered and worth recounting.

Boka had fallen in love with the cat lady on the vegetarian side. As you all must know, cats do not give a damn about human divisions, restrictions or protocols. The AAWI cats could appear on any side at any time. They did not even bother about our original and appellate sides.

Since Ms Ghare gave him treats every day, Boka decided to surprise her with a return gift one day during lunchtime. Advocate Kolambi from the non-vegetarian side always used to have fish on his plate for lunch.

While he was busy chatting away, Boka quietly picked up a piece of baangda (mackerel) from his plate and hurried away. He devoured the flesh on one side. It was delicious.

His girlfriends were eyeing the other half but Boka had other plans. He had decided to gift the balance piece of the baangda to Ms Ghare, sitting on the vegetarian side.

Boka quickly moved under the tables, navigating through a jungle of legs to reach the familiar fair feet of the cat lady and purred. She peered down, saw Boka and smiled.Boka took that as an invitation to offer.

He jumped on her lap and deposited his gift next to her plate and then jumped back down and disappeared. Advocate Ms Ghare was flanked on either side at that lunch table by pure vegetarian seniors— Advocate Pithley and Advocate Phadphadey.

Seeing the half-eaten piece of fried mackerel on their table they threw a fit. One senior ran to the wash basin to throw up. The other started reciting some mantras to seek atonement.

As a result of this sacrilege, the vegetarian side demanded a banishment of all cats from the Bar rooms of AAWI. They blamed the non-vegetarian side for sending this fish missile across the border with Boka. They gheraoed the president of the Bar association the next day at lunch and called for an urgent general body meeting to address this issue.

That year the president of AAWI was Tamda Rassa, from the non-vegetarian side. He calmly asked the agitators led by Advocates Pithley and Phadphadey to follow the association's bye-laws and requisition a special general body meeting.

The vegetarian side got down to work immediately and drafted a very strongly worded resolution. Their over-enthusiasm, however, gave rise to extremism. The resolution called for not just the banishment but everything from sterilisation to extermination of the cats!

While extremists like Pithley and Phadphadey managed to get a few signatures from like-minded vegetarians, they were in for a shock when Ms Ghare flatly refused to do any act that would harm the interest of the cats.

She told them that the proposed resolution violated the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals Act, 1960. She too garnered a lot of support, especially from the ladies and the juniors.

The non-vegetarian side, ruffled by unfair allegations against them, now decided to teach these vegetarian seniors a lesson. Not only would they oppose any resolution against the cats but they would demand a desegregation of the dining tables.

The vegetarian side realised that the general body could swing any way if the non-vegetarian side went ahead with their resolve but they were too proud to withdraw their resolution after having commenced this battle.

After all, they had cajoled, coaxed and bullied their juniors into signing the requisition to reach the minimum mark required to call for the meeting. They could not withdraw now.

The day of the meeting was drawing near. Somehow Boka seems to have sensed that something was cooking. It was very fishy, no doubt, but not fish. He, therefore, decided to take the matter in his own paws.

On the day before the special general body meeting, he strode into the courtroom of a highly respected senior milord who used to preside over a Bench from his favourite ground floor courtroom which was not too far away from 'Athra Number' which was Boka's pet place.

Boka jumped onto the table right in front of the advocates arguing a matter and as soon as they finished, he started yowling out loud. Everyone was taken by surprise but too scared to attempt to catch him. His meowing continued for a full five minutes.

Then he jumped off the table voluntarily and walked across the courtroom and through the corridor reserved for judges. Lawyers began murmuring that Boka had managed a full five-minute 'hearing' before a Bench where lawyers found it difficult to argue more than three minutes!

Before the hearing of other cases resumed, some lawyers told the senior milord that this tomcat was known in the Bar room as Boka. They narrated the incident which had led to the requisitioning of an extraordinary general body meeting to be held the next day.

Milord: "What is extraordinary about a cat eating stolen fish? Is the association devoting time to such trivialities nowadays? I find it most shocking!"

Milord continued: "Can't you find any worthwhile issues to take up instead of fighting over a piece of fish like cats?"

This interaction with the senior milord who commanded much respect at the Bar became the talk of the Bar room that evening and lawyers continued discussing it the next day too before the special general body meeting.

Advocates Pithley and Phadphadey realised that the resolution against cats would fail miserably and the president, Advocate Tamda Rassa, would gladly permit discussion on desegregation of lunch tables.

They decided that discretion was the better part of valour and announced right at the outset of the meeting that "in the interest of maintaining goodwill and harmony" they would not press their resolution.

Advocate Rassa, on his part, quickly dissolved the meeting and invited all attendees to have tea and snacks. Everyone enjoyed the tea and snacks.

Boka was watching all this. He noticed that Ms Ghare was looking at him very lovingly. None of the snacks were to Boka's liking. Ms Ghare discreetly pulled out a special cat food sachet from her purse and fed Boka and friends.

Observing the scene from afar, Advocate Pithley remarked to Advocate Phadphadey: "Did you hear how well this Boka argued yesterday in court? I bet he must have been a lawyer in his past life."

Advocate Phadphadey: "Yes, no doubt. But unfortunately a non-vegetarian lawyer!"

Read more Antics from the Adalat here.

If you love the smell of paper along with spicy satire and the ring of laughter, Raju Moray's new book Tales of Law & Laughter is out now.